Weird shaped belly

My belly - the area below my belly button - is so weird.

Ok, you know those styrofoam floaty noodles? These things...

Now, imagine a smallish piece of a floaty noodle poking out of each side of a small beach ball. THAT is what my belly looks like. What the hell is that? These weird sticky outy globs of fat. UGH.

And that is what I am desperately hoping is going to change by doing some serious toning exercises. (Also, the FUPA and the inner thigh fat dangle and the batwings. Yeah, UGH.)

Before & after

(I'm kinna photo obsessed this week. Sorry.)

Here's a before & after shocker.

One picture is from five years ago when I got together with my two best friends from high school. We're planning to get together again soon so I dug out this photo and was horrified. Egads, I look ridiculously bad!

The other pic is from the photo shoot I did with my sil on Monday.

I'm about the same weight in the Fat Photo as I was in January when I started losing; I was maybe a bit higher. There's a difference of roughly 60 pounds between the two pictures.

Photo shoot!

My sil and I did a photo shoot today complete with wardrobe changes and props. We had so much fun! I put some of the pix in a photobucket album. You can see it HERE. (Password: novus1)

Here are a few of my favorite shots:

The real shape of things

Am I the only one who thinks their body is a total freak of nature and who believes that all other women surely look like this?

I've developed a weird weight loss problem: my left breast is shrinking but my right breast is exactly the same size as it was 55 pounds ago. I mean, it's not even like comparing a cantaloupe and a slightly smaller cantaloupe. No, it's more like comparing a cantaloupe and an apple. (And we're not even going to discuss the whole change in shape/structure issue caused by age and weight loss.)  Firm and round and perky and symmetrical, as pictured above, are not words that can used to describe my breasts.

I was lamenting about this on the 3FC forum and someone shared this link for an art exhibit that celebrates the true shape of women's bodies, like this picture:

Sure, there are a few women - with good genes (and/or a great surgeon) - who look like Bikini Girl up there. But the real shape of things? Most of us look like the women who were used as models for the art exhibit. We're saggy and bumpy and uneven, and everyone of us is a unique kind of beautiful. Go look at those pics...and then go look in the mirror and tell yourself that you're amazing!

I'm smaller than you?

Today I wore a pair of too-big slacks to work because I desperately need to do laundry and really didn't have a lot of options. They kept sliding down my hips and my manager noticed and was joking about it. And at the end of the day she told me she had a couple pairs of pants that were a little too snug for her that I could have if I wanted/needed them. I was kinna like, "Yeah, right" because there is no way I am smaller than her.

I asked her what size they are and she told me that they are 12s, but she's currently wearing 14s. Her 12s should definitely fit me because my comfortable pants are 11s and 12s. I really can't believe I'm smaller than her. She's maybe a teensy bit chubby but well within a range I would consider normal. Is that what I look like to people? Basically normal....instead of ridiculously fat? I'm a bit flabbergasted by the concept.

Dream Look .05

I adore this outfit combo from birdsnest! The flowy blouse balances the severity of the pencil skirt, I love the pops of neon pink, and the overall look is a great contrast of fun and classy.

I don't want to be blind

As I've mentioned in a few other posts, I really don't have much of a concept of myself, physically. I don't think of myself in terms of ugly or pretty or fat or thin. But I'm coming to realize that this is just as unhealthy as having a negative self-image.

Recently I was talking with some friends and we were discussing familial resemblance - who in our families we most look like. During the course of the conversation I said something that I've always thought but never really stopped to consider, "My sister is the pretty one. I'm just...the other one." My friends were a bit shocked. They couldn't believe that I didn't think I was as pretty as my sister. Really?

And a week or so ago I changed my profile picture on facebook to one of the recent ones that my sil took when I was very nearly in Onderland. Now, I've changed my profile pic numerous times in the past and in general didn't get much of a response - like maybe 4 or 5 "likes" or replies. But when I changed it last week almost FIFTY people liked it! And I'm just sitting here wondering what on earth everyone is seeing in that pic that caused such a reaction. Because all I can see is me. Just ordinary unremarkable not pretty not ugly me.

Then this morning someone posted this on the 3FC forum:

 "Why are we so blind to the beauty that the people who love US can see? Maybe it is because we are not outside of ourselves, watching the sunlight move through our hair or light up our eyes. We can never truly replicate in the mirror the way we look when we smile genuinely or laugh without restraint. We cannot see the subtle ways our bodies move when we lean in to embrace someone with passion. Or, how full of wonder or frustration we may appear with our noses buried in a favorite book. So, we cannot be the best judges of our beauty or expect our perceptions to be accurate....can we?"

I actually cried a bit when I read that. And I read it again. And again. Because the truth is, there is something AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL about me. When people see me, they see the living breathing laughing loving beauty that fills me and surrounds me. And I think I need to remember that every time I look in the mirror. I don't want to be blind to the beauty that other people can see.

You can't always get what you want

Melissa at Life After 42 recently wrote an interesting post  about wishing certain aspects of your appearance were different. In her case, it was wishing she had naturally curly hair and a willowy body shape.

I've never really had a strong opinion about my body image. As I wrote in this post, I've always been kinna unaware of myself physically at all. But do I have a "I wish I was shaped like that" look? Absolutely. I love the hourglass shape that totally rocks the pinup style, like this:



Seriously. That's just crazy beautiful.

I am light years away from being an hourglass. I wonder if I find the hourglass shape attractive simply because it's the complete opposite of my own? Maybe the thought process is, "The way I am shaped is not appealing, so what is attractive must be the opposite?"

I also wonder if our mothers appearance impacts our concept of attractive. Mothers are usually the first - and strongest - influence in how we perceive "feminine" so wouldn't how they are shaped influence our thinking about how an attractive woman looks? I think this at least partially true for me. My mom is a pear/hourglass, and when she was in her teens/20s, she was smokin' hot. I didn't inherit a single gene from her. (Except for the red hair. Although hers is a much lovelier shade than mine.) I'm shaped like my father - broad shoulders, narrow hips, fat tummy, skinny legs. Yeah, I'd rather be an hourglass than a man. :)

What about you? Do you wish for something you can never have? How does your dream look compare to your reality?

Dream Look .04

I just love everything about this look.  (from Light in the Box)

Dream Look .03

Button-down blouses tucked into jeans is a look that has never worked for me. I really hope that will change someday because it's a combo that I just love. Especially in fabulous fabrics like these.

from LuckyBrand

Fear of Onederland

No...not Wonderland (although the Red Queen does freak me out). ONEderland. That magical place in weight loss where the scale finally reads 199.

When I lost weight in 2006, I got to somewhere in the 190s. I don't remember an exact number because I wasn't weighing regularly, but I do remember a day when I stepped on the scale and it said 19(something) and I thought, "Holy crap, where'd the 2 go?"

And then I hit a wall.

I'd been buying clothes every few weeks because I was changing sizes so quickly, but all of a sudden that stopped. I wore the same clothes for months. I dropped calories. I increased exercise. Nothing happened. Frustration abounded.

Then some crazy life changes happened that would have required me to make some major adjustments in order to stick with the diet/exercise routine I'd been following. And it just was not worth it. So I gave up. And I over the next four years, I gained 42 pounds.

Onederland is looming on the horizon. I'm about six pounds away. I'll be there in just a few weeks. And I'm terrified that wall is there, lurking, waiting for me.

My strategy is to try to slip right by the wall. Maybe it won't notice me if I can just tiptoe on over to 189.

As soon as I hit 199, I'm putting away the scale and running away for a month-long romance with Jillian.

If anybody can help me demolish that wall, it's Jillian. She's fierceness. Maybe I won't magically skip right through the 190s in 30 days. But at least it will be a month of not living in a constant state of Onderland anxiety and wigging out every single morning when I step on the scale.

BANISH FEAR. 

Oh. The Feels.

I Touch Myself (The Divinyls)

No, this post isn't as raunchy as this song. *wink* But it is what popped into my head when I was thinking about what I'm sharing here.

I've kinna been battling this "Is anything changing?" doubt. The numbers on the scale and the measuring tape are decreasing. The size labels in the clothes are smaller. But when I look in the mirror I just cannot see it.

This morning after my shower I was lathering myself with body oil. (Burt's Bees. So luxurious. So yummy smelling. So good for my dry winter skin. *end commercial*) And as I did so, I discovered something. My hands know that my body feels different. Like, quite a lot different. I'll spare you the details but....definitely less fat and more bone & muscle. It was pretty freakin' awesome!

So, if you're struggling with some doubts about your weight loss, I encourage you to touch yourself (and maybe sing this song. Loudly.) Oh. The Feels!

These clothes are so tiny!

I saved a tote of clothing that I was able to wear when I lost weight a few years ago. For fun, I went through that tote this afternoon. Those clothes look so tiny! But you know what? Most of the jeans and slacks are size 12 or 13....and I'm currently wearing a 14 or 15. I'm really only one size away from wearing those "tiny clothes"! That kind of boggles my mind! 

Also in that tote was some clothing in even smaller sizes that I had hoped to be able to wear. I never got there but instead went in the opposite direction and gained weight. This time I'm determined to continue to lose weight and get into those things I've never even worn. 

That fat we don't want to talk about

The fat we don't want to talk about. You know, down there. No, not the tummy just below the belly button. Lower than that. Yeah....there. The V-area and the dreaded FUPA.

I've noticed that on weight loss forums, almost all women have it, hate it...and think they're the only one. On the contrary, it seems it's rather common. It's so not rare, in fact, that I actually found something about it in Cosmo! The slideshow gives some great advice about how to deal with the FUPA with diet and exercise. Here's the tips included in the article:

1. Destress by doing yoga or meditating or anything else that helps you relax.
2. Eat Omega-3 fatty acids.
3. Increase your intake of Vitamin C.
4. Eat Greek yogurt.
5. Eat some fiery capsaicin (spicy foods).
6. Consume some cinnamon.
7. Enjoy some blueberries.
8. Eliminate all refined carbs.
9. Have a glass of wine.
10. Do high-interval training.
11. Do legs lifts instead of ab crunches.
12. Improve your breathing and posture.

Click over to the slideshow to read all the "whys" behind these suggestions. Banish the FUPA! Huzzah.

Lumps and bumps

I've downsized my pants but have been wearing the same shirts, several of which I am swimming in. This evening I pulled some smaller size shirts out of the drawers and tried them on. I was very depressed to discover they look horrid and reveal all sorts of lumps and bumps I need to deal with. Ugh, the fatness. I really need to quit procrastinating about exercise. Diet can only do so much.

Hope makes all the difference

I know enough about how my body functions to understand what I need to do to lose weight. The "how" is basically easy for me. The "why," however, is more complicated. Why do I want to do this? How do I stay motivated?

I was pondering this last night and reflecting back to 2005/2006 when I lost a significant amount of weight. I lost the first 35 or so pounds by "accident" - illness and some major life complications. The last 40 pounds, though, were very intentional. What was going on in my life that made it so easy to focus on my health?

I was so ridiculously happy in 2006. I'd been accepted into a program to study and minister abroad, I had some amazingly great friendships, I was actively volunteering for several different organizations, I was pursuing hobbies that I loved. The future looked amazing and I was running towards it with wild abandon. I wanted to lose weight and be healthy because I wanted to be alive to enjoy that future.

And then....everything fell apart. I wasn't able to move overseas. I had to take a job with hours that made it almost impossible to continue with the volunteering and hobbies. Those dear friends all lived 45 minutes away (I'd moved at the beginning of the year) and the cost of gas and winter weather made it difficult to see them so often. I hated my life. HATED IT. I lost my vision of a better future. I no longer cared about my health and the pounds slowly came back.

The same scenario repeated itself (on a much smaller scale) in 2010 when I lost about 40 pounds. I had a job I enjoyed, I was in a great relationship, I had an active social life, etc. Again...things fell apart and again...I lost hope.

And this time I'm really struggling to stay motivated because I don't have anything to look forward to. I started this particular weight loss journey for one reason - fear. Several people I know have recently died because of weight-related illnesses. I don't want that to happen to me. Or do I? When I think about living this same life for the next 20...or 30...or 40 years, it makes me feel weary and despondent. Just, no. I'd rather be fat and die next year, thank you very much. Fear is a good instigator, but it is not a good motivator.

Hope is my strongest motivator. Hope makes all the difference. But....where do I find it?

Dream Look .02

Someday I'm going to have a mad shopping spree at modcloth! Their styles are so funky and fun...and so me! I adore this Twist of Lime blouse with the floral cut-out collar and black placket. And wouldn't it look fab with this houndstooth Nine to Thrive pencil skirt with big bold ruffles? 

How to deal with your "fat shape"

I've always been jealous of women who gain weight on the bottom - thighs, butt, hips. You know those women who can look like a skinny chick in a face-only photo? And whose body, even when overweight, still conforms to society's idea of "sexy." How unfair is that?

I'm completely the opposite. I think half the weight I need to lose is in my face. It's just freakin' ginormous. There, and my tummy. Those are the places where all my fat accumulate. I can put on a pair of size 12 slacks; they fit fine on my thighs and butt but I can't zip them up over my stomach.

The reason for this disparity is your body type, or how genetics determine where your body is going to hold onto fat. The two primary "fat shapes" are Apple and Pear. According to Dr. Jeffrey Morrison, "The apple shape body type are women who typically have belly fat, a round face, a hump on their upper back and relatively thin legs." (I'm definitely an Apple.) Pears are the ones who have all their fat in the thighs, butts,  and hips.

The bad news: there's nothing you can do to change your "fat shape." But understanding it can help you plan a more effective weight loss strategy.

According to several different sources, the ideal program for an Apple is a diet that is low in complex carbs and high in healthy fats. Apples should develop an exercise routine that includes a lot of cardio, especially a type that incorporates interval training. Belly fat is also exacerbated by the hormone cortisol. Decreasing the amount of cortisol in your body can be achieved by stabilizing blood sugar levels and destressing workouts like yoga or T'ai Chi.

The best diet for a Pear is totally the opposite - low in fat (especially saturated fat found in dairy and red meat) and high in complex carbs. Pears benefit from circuit training style workouts - a combo of cardio and resistance.

The good news for me? It's supposedly easier for an Apple to lose weight because visceral fat (the type stored in the abdomen) breaks down more quickly than the subcutaneous fat (the kind that forms in the butt and thighs). The bad news for me? I ain't never gonna have a waist or a booty. :)

Dream Look .01

Love the outfit. Love the hairstyle. Love the body.

(from Garnish Apparel)