Letting go

As I mentioned in this post a friend died this week and I just couldn't deal with that AND worrying about diet all at the same time so I gave myself permission to let go for just a few days.

I knew it was going to be difficult - and it was. But not in the way I expected. I thought I would go wildly off plan, eat things I shouldn't, binge, etc. That was definitely how I would have behaved in the past. Eating more = feeling less. Food was a huge form of escapism and avoidance.

This time, though, my body and my brain just didn't want food at all. I've heard other people say they lose their appetite when they're depressed and/or grieving but that was a foreign concept to me. Until now. I ate less than 1,000 calories (probably way less) on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. And it seemed like all I wanted was crunchy salty things (chips, popcorn) and cheese.

The weirdest thing for me though was that I really felt the emotional pain. I dealt with my grief instead of running away from it. It was a very odd feeling to have this desperate need to cry all the time. I mean, I would be totally focused on something else and not thinking about my friend, and the tears would just start. I felt the grief like it was this wave of emotion crashing over me. That was hard. I mean, really hard.

In the past, I would have never ever never let myself feel with the intensity that I have for the last three days. I would have suffocated everything with food. And I'd carry that grief around with me like a two-ton beast for months until I felt like I was dying.

Allowing this to happen cleansed something in me. This morning, I feel like I've let go of something. My body and my brain are ready to go back to the diet/exercise routine. I'm craving healthy food. I can't wait to go for a run this afternoon.

No, my grieving isn't over. The funeral is Wednesday and it's going to be extremely painful. But I really feel like I've conquered some emotional issue with food that has blocked me for a very long time.