Weird shaped belly

My belly - the area below my belly button - is so weird.

Ok, you know those styrofoam floaty noodles? These things...

Now, imagine a smallish piece of a floaty noodle poking out of each side of a small beach ball. THAT is what my belly looks like. What the hell is that? These weird sticky outy globs of fat. UGH.

And that is what I am desperately hoping is going to change by doing some serious toning exercises. (Also, the FUPA and the inner thigh fat dangle and the batwings. Yeah, UGH.)

Lesson Learned

This pretty much has nothing to do with weight loss but does relate to my earlier post. 

Lesson learned. Never compromise your principles. Ever. No matter how much you may want to or how good it may feel, because the ultimate reward is greater.

Frustrations

I'm dating someone who is a million kinds of perfect. We click like we've been best friends since the beginning of time. And the physical attraction? Off. The. Charts.  But there's a complication. A Big Complication. I feel like I'm violating my moral code every time I even think of him. I question how much I really respect myself if I'm allowing myself to be in this situation. But part of me can't help but wonder if this is "meant to be" and somehow the Big Complication is going to work itself out. I just don't know what to do. *&#@(^

The scale is stuck. I'm doing everything right and the scale is not moving. Sometimes I wish I could just be happy with 175ish instead of always feeling fat and ugly and dreaming of a smaller number. *&#@(^

I don't know how to deal with the medical bills from my finger injury. So I'm procrastinating. Which just stresses me out more. *&#@(^

I ate the whole thing

Confession time.

Yesterday I was at the gas station and a bag of nacho cheese Bugles caught my eye. "No," I told myself. I went out and pumped my gas.....and daydreamed about those salty cheesy crunchy corny Bugles....until I went back in and bought them. "Just a few," I told myself. And then devoured the entire bag. Three servings. *le sigh*

Salty crunchy snacks are so my weakness.

Happy body and random thoughts

I totally forgot how absolutely fabulous I feel when eating low carb and gluten free. When I drop all the grains from my diet it's like my body is rejoicing and shouting "Thank you!"

No more brain fog. No more achy joints. No more heaviness. No more bloating. No more tummy issues.

Why (and how) can I can forget this?

And the weight is flying off. I weighed in this morning at 178.4 - down almost 6 pounds in 12 days. I'm still not quite back to where I was in August which is sad but I'm definitely back on track again. Yayness!

It's also wonderful to have my appetite back in control. Carbs just make me ravenous. It's like my brain is constantly chanting, "Need food need food need food." To be able to eat just a bit of meat and veggies and feel totally fine? That's so much marvelous.

Oh, and another weird thing about carbs? They seem to dull my taste buds. All of a sudden food has flavor again. I ate some berries and I was swooning over the sweetness. When I was eating too many carbs everything was just.....flat.

I made the switch to almond milk in my coffee this week. At first, it was hard to adjust because it doesn't make the coffee as creamy as milk. But I'm ok with it now. And the nutritional difference is worth it. Calories (in 8 ounces) - 60 compared to 148. (!) Carbs - 8 compared to 12 - and fat - 3 compared to 8.

And I went clothes shopping at Goodwill. I got new outfits for my niece's bridal shower and for Easter. It's so nice to have pretty clothes after a winter of wearing lots and lots of layers and comfy clothes. And it's also fabulous to find myself caring about clothes again. For months my only priority was warmth.

Also, I got my hair cut. Like, super crazy short. I love it and have gotten a few positive comments. But also some not so nice comments. Why do people think the length of someone's hair has anything to do with their sexual preference? Having short hair does not mean I'm a dyke. Grrrr.  I actually feel more feminine and sexy with short hair. When my hair is longish I feel.....messy.

So that's April, so far, in review. May the rest of the month be as wonderful.

And....I'm back!

At the beginning of November, I cut my finger when I was doing dishes and a casserole dish shattered in my hand. I managed to get that cut in just the right spot, in just the right way to sever both tendons in the finger so I had to have surgery the week before Thanksgiving. I had a cast until the middle of January.

I was exhausted. I was in pain. And everything was complicated. I could barely shower, or dress myself, or cook, or clean the house, or type. (Also, do you have any idea what it's like to deal with snow boots, coat, hat, gloves, etc. when you're one-handed? OMG.)

I pretty much depended on people to bring me food. They got the gluten free part, but not really the low carb part so my eating was wildly off-plan. And my physical therapist discouraged me from exercising because of potential problems with re-injuring my finger, elevated blood pressure. etc.

So, for 4ish months I was a whiny pathetic carb-consuming blob. And I gained about 15 pounds. And it's taking me most of March to get my head back in the game.

But now I'm back and I'm gonna kick that scale's ass. And when it FINALLY stops snowing (grumblegrumble) I'll start running again.

whinewhine

wounded hand plus (cold x snow) = whinewhine

Wounded 2

Update on my hand wound. Surgeon confirmed severed tendons. I have a cast (from the tips of my fingers to my elbow!) that I'll wear for 7-10 days and then have surgery.

I don't have any appetite at all but I'm craving carbs fiercely. I could seriously eat a crazy amount of mac and cheese.

And tired? Dear sweet mercy I've never been so tired. Yesterday I did absolutely nothing and was still ready to crash by 8 pm. And my sleep is that solid-heavy-utterly-exhausted kind of sleep.

Also, I'm very weary of being one-handed.

I really hope my recovery from surgery is swift because I am so done with all of this!

At two in the morning

What do my friends and I do at 2 a.m. (after watching an epically fun midnight showing of Labyrinth)? We go to WalMart (in our jammies) of course! And we...

sit on sofas

and play with light sabers

and ride the Hello Kitty bike!

Sometimes, life just needs a little fun!

Family, fall, and flowers

On Saturday, my mother, sister, sister-in-law, and I went to the Mum Festival. It was simply a perfect day of enjoying family, fall, and flowers. There were oodles of mums, lots of vendors selling arts/crafts and food, a library book sale, and fun entertainment like a water ski show. It's the first time the four of us went and did something together; we all agree we want to do this more often.

left to right: sister, me, mother, sister-in-law
(Yes, I am 6 inches taller than my mother. Amazonian freak.)

Some lovely mums

Mum design

My sister and I. We look nothing alike and our personalities couldn't be more different. 

Just being honest

I've lost weight. I'm eating healthy (usually). I'm exercising (sometimes). I should feel 100% fabulous, right? But....no. And I've been lying to myself (and everyone else) about that.

Back in June I suffered a depressive episode (which I mentioned in this post). It wasn't completely debilitating but it was bad. I so wished it be over at the end of that month but it really wasn't. I've continued to be in that place where everything is just too complicated and exhausting. That place where just the daily basics - eating, showering, going to work - are almost more than I can handle.

And, is always the case, I wasn't even aware of how bad it was. It's like my brain quickly adapts to the heaviness and darkness as "normal." Until the depression goes away, and life is fun again, and it's like there are suddenly an extra 12 hours in every day.

I've basically lost four months of this year. Four months when I was not "doing life" because I was just barely existing. That's pretty scary when I really stop to think about it.

At this point, all I know to do is to acknowledge that my depression is real and it truly is a problem. I need to develop a strategy to combat it. I do not want to resort to medical/pharmaceutical intervention but I'm not sure what other options there are.

For now, I'm just going to happily get back to tracking my food and eating right and exercising. And maybe in October I'll accomplish some of those goals I set for myself at the beginning of September.

To influence

influence (noun) a power affecting a person, thing, or course of events, especially one that operates without any direct or apparent effort

When I shared the pics from my recent "photo shoot" on facebook, I got A LOT of comments. A few people commented on the fabulous outfits and the crazy poses; more people commented about my weight loss. Most of my facebook friends aren't people who see me on a regular basis. And a lot of my facebook friends are people I went to high school with, and in our small town that meant that we knew each other from kindergarten through senior year. I've been fat since the third grade so the image most of those people have of me is FAT.

In response to all those comments on my weight loss, I explained my weight loss secret (which isn't as profound as it may sound). Forty people "liked" that post and more than a few people mentioned that my weight loss success is influencing them to work on their own health and fitness.

And my friend Ms. Lierre felt moved to write her own blog post about my facebook status. You can read that HERE. In her blog post she also mentions a book that has been instrumental to her in her pursuit to lose some weight - French Women Don't Get Fat. And if I know Ms. Lierre, this book is fabulous. I simply adore her taste in books, food, fashion, design, music.....basically everything! I must get my hands on a copy of this book soonest.

(sidenote: Ms. Lierre and I are internet friends; I don't even remember how we discovered each other and we've never met in person. But I strongly suspect that if we didn't live on opposite sides of the country, we'd totally be bffs.)

What happened to September?

I feel like September is a broken hourglass with all the sand pouring out. How is it already nearly the middle of the month?!? I have accomplished NONE of the goals I set for the Back to Basics challenge (which I posted about HERE).

I do have one teeny tiny excuse: my old clunker of a car suddenly decided to be very broken (brakes, transmission, some exhaust gasket thingy). Ugh. So I  have spent entirely too much time car shopping (which is annoying and stressful and frustrating) and that's limited the time I could spend on exercise and hobbies. Plus, the cheap supermarket is further away than the local one and I didn't feel safe driving there. I can get two times as many groceries for the same price at the cheap place so not having this option really limited my meal planning and food choices.

I finally have a different car so I hope I can now get on track with the challenge. Meal planning, grocery shopping, cleaning, and exercise are all on tomorrow's agenda!

Before & after

(I'm kinna photo obsessed this week. Sorry.)

Here's a before & after shocker.

One picture is from five years ago when I got together with my two best friends from high school. We're planning to get together again soon so I dug out this photo and was horrified. Egads, I look ridiculously bad!

The other pic is from the photo shoot I did with my sil on Monday.

I'm about the same weight in the Fat Photo as I was in January when I started losing; I was maybe a bit higher. There's a difference of roughly 60 pounds between the two pictures.

Photo shoot!

My sil and I did a photo shoot today complete with wardrobe changes and props. We had so much fun! I put some of the pix in a photobucket album. You can see it HERE. (Password: novus1)

Here are a few of my favorite shots:

Clutter and your brain

One of my goals for September is to eliminate clutter. I found an interesting article about how clutter impacts your brain.

Whether it be your closet or office desk, excess things in your surroundings can have a negative impact on your ability to focus and process information.

But there's a reason why it can be such a challenge to get of clutter.

Your brain views the loss of one of your valued possessions as the same as something that causes you physical pain.

Read the article HERE.

Shopping fabulousness!

Today was the City Wide Yard Sales event and it's a tradition for me to attend with various assorted family members. The shopping is always great and we have so much fun. I bought oodles of clothes!

At one of the sales, the man running the sale told everyone to pick out whatever they wanted and tell him how much they wanted to pay. (Love those sales!) I found a pair of new-with-tags jeans in a size 8. I figured I could toss them in the Maybe Pile because I might be able to wear a size 8 someday. I also found a pair of new-with-tags running tights and a black blazer with bows on the button placket. I offered the guy $1 for the three items and he accepted my offer. Score!

And those size 8 jeans? I CAN PUT THEM ON! I CAN ZIP THEM UP WITHOUT LAYING DOWN! But - um - I can't quite breathe while wearing them. Ha. So I'm going to wait a few weeks and see how they fit. DUDE! SIZE 8! Mind blown.

At another sale I found a winter coat (which I was on the lookout for). It's full length, belted, dark grey with an enormous fur collar and marbled buttons. I fell in love with it when I saw it on the hanger. It didn't have a size tag, though, and it looked TINY. But I decided to try it on anyway because I really have no concept of my size at the moment. I mean, my brain still wants to try on size 18s. The coat fits PERFECTLY and looks absolutely amazing, like it was tailor-made for me.

I also got a bunch of tops and blouses, one sweater, an American Eagle hoodie, and a crazy dress that has a poofy hem with layers of black and polka-dotted netting. (I have no clue where I'll wear it but I just had to have it.) And a denim jacket that is a bit small but that I had to get because I love how it's cut.

I also got two cute skirts but *&^@ I hate skirts. I'm just totally the wrong shape for skirts. Why do skirt designers assume women have tiny waists? Both skirts are size 14 but are about 4 inches too small in the waist for me. I can put on a pair of size 8 jeans but can't wear a size 14 skirt? WTH!

Grand total spent for a winter coat, a denim jacket, and three bags of clothes? $8! I'm a rock star.

My sil and I also stopped at the farmers market where I got a container of these odd little things:

Ground cherries. It's in the nightshade family (like a tomato) but it is very sweet and tastes sort of like a grape or a berry. It comes in a husk and is about the size of a small cherry tomato. So yummy! I'm definitely going back next week to see if the seller has more. I also got sugar plums, kale, brussels sprouts, an eggplant, some hot peppers, and a dozen eggs. And I gazed longingly at the felted goat's milk soap. I used one of these at a friend's house and wanted to spend the whole day in the shower. But $10 for a bar of soap? Maybe next week.

Back to Basics in September

The Back to Basics challenge is being hosted by Brooke of Not on a Diet. You can read all about it HERE. The challenge is mostly geared towards Weight Watchers participants (which I am not) but I thought taking part would provide some support as I focus on adjusting some things in my life in September.

On January 1st, I (like thousands of other people) made a list of resolutions. Some of those resolutions I've been successful at, such as losing weight. I'm only about 20 pounds from goal....wheee! But the other resolutions? Not so much.

My purpose in setting those resolutions was to pursue wellness in all areas of my life - physical, mental, emotional, etc. I don't want to just get skinny; I want to be happy and balanced.

In September, I want to get back to diligently doing what has worked well for my weight loss: meal planning, calorie counting, and food logging. I've become neglectful of this and I need to get back to it before my scale punishes me for being a slacker. And I also want to focus on some other things that I believe are necessary for my overall well-being.

So, my goals for the month are.....

#1

FOOD LOG

Plan my meals weekly, calculate them on sparkpeople.com, and post a daily food log on the blog.

#2

EXERCISE

My "exercise routine" so far this year has mostly been running. And, honestly, I haven't even done as much of that as I should have. I would like to be my usual overachieving self and say that I'm going to exercise every day during September, or that I'm finally going to conquer the 30 Day Shred, or something equally ridiculous. Instead, I'm going to keep it simple: 2 days each week of some sort of toning/strength training. That's it. Just two days. I can do that, can't I?

#3

QUIT SMOKING

I've been trying to do this since January 1st. (Yeah, I've been running while I'm still a smoker. Stupid, much?) I've tried tapering off and have gotten to a point a few different times where I'd only be smoking about 5 a day. I never quit entirely, though, and I always seemed to find myself back to smoking a pack a day. The company I work for is instituting a no smoking policy on September 1st - no smoking anywhere on the property, not even in your own car. So that's 9 hours a day, 3 days a week, when I absolutely will have to be smoke-free. So this seems like a good time to go cold turkey and just freakin' STOP ALREADY. 

#4

CLEAN THE HOUSE

Clutter. Everywhere in my house there is CLUTTER. This year has been chaotic and my house really reflects it. I desperately need to do a mad purge-and-clean. I'm not a lazy slob. I'm really not. I just have difficulty reigning in the messes once they start to become unmanageable. I need to implement a cleaning routine, maybe something like this. 

#5

ORGANIZE RECIPES

I have several thousand recipes pinned on pinterest. Some I've tried, most I haven't. I want to somehow permanently save the ones I've really liked - possibly printing them out and placing them in a binder. I also want to create an indexed list of the ones that I need to try. Also, I need to decide which of my cookbooks I really need to keep, because who even uses cookbooks anymore? I don't think I've opened any of mine in about five years. 

#6

BE CREATIVE

I've been woefully neglectful of pursuing creative endeavors this year. Some specifics things I want to do in September:

1. Writing. Last November, I participated in NaNoWriMo. The purpose of that event is to write 50,000 words of a novel. Instead I wrote several short stories. I intended to edit/rewrite them and possibly submit some for publication. I haven't even looked at them since December 1st. My goal for September is to work on edits of just one of those stories and research possible publication markets for it.

2. Art. The local art association is offering a class that combines art with body movement. The purpose is to "recognize bodies as art and our art as something that we embody." You can visit the instructor's website HERE. This sounds so fabulous! There are several obstacles that I'd have to work around in order to participate but I'm certainly going to try. If I'm unable to take the class, I'll get out my art supplies and make something. I used to do a lot of art journaling, so I think my goal for September (if I don't take the class) will be to make two journal pages.

3. Knitting. My mother gave me knitting lessons at the beginning of the year. I loved it, and I really want to start doing it again. Goal for the month: one day of knitting with mom. Not ALL day, but - you know - several hours.

TO RECAP

1. Food log daily.
2. Exercise (toning/strength training) two days per week.

3. Quit smoking.

4. Purge-and-clean and implement a cleaning routine.
5. Organize recipes.

6. Be creative. 

a. Edit one short story and research markets for it.

b. Take art class or make two art journal pages.

c. One day of knitting with my mother.

THE REWARDS

Mary Kay lipstick in "Red." I tried this at a Mary Kay party and it is my perfect colour.

I've had two cameras die in the last two years. I keep telling myself I'm going to save up to buy a really nice one but that never seems to happen. Not having a camera is making me batty so I just need to buy something reasonably priced that will be good enough for now.

Mum Fest! 20,000 mums. Arts & crafts. Library book sale. I've always wanted to go to this but every year I make excuses not to. 

Which will you choose?

Photo credit @Colton Witt

“All paths cause pain, so to chose the safe over the 

audacious will not give you less pain, only less beauty.” 

(Michael Ventura)

The work week from hell

Friday, my supervisor at Job #1 asked me if I could pick up a few extra hours this week because one of our busy seasons has begun. I usually only work 24 hours (three 8 hour days) so I said yes. My schedule at my other job varies but it's normally only about 12 to 14 hours, so I figured I'd have some flexibility. I should have checked with my manager at Job #2 first, though, because the assistant manager at that job will be on vacation next week and guess who was given the extra hours to cover? Me.

This is what my upcoming work week looks like:
Sunday:
Job #2 - 9am to 5pm (8 hours)
Monday:
Job #1 - 6am to 4:30pm (10 hours)
Tuesday:
Job #1 - 5am to 9am (4 hours)
Job #2 - 9am to 5pm (8 hours)
Wednesday
Job #1 - 6am to 4:30pm (10 hours)
Thursday
Job #1 - 5am to 9am (4 hours)
Job #2 - 9am to 5pm (8 hours)
Friday
Job #1 - 6am to 4:30pm (10 hours)
Saturday
Job #2 - 3pm to 7pm (4 hours)

66 hours. Oy. (And did I mention that my last day off was Monday? So this will be twelve days in a row without a day off. Double oy.) But I confess that I certainly won't mind the extra money. I can pay off some back bills and/or put some aside for a vacation to Florida that a friend and I are planning.

It's gonna be a crazy week to try and get back on the Diet Train. And running? I don't think that's gonna happen.